An Old Couch, Some Sheets, and a Few Bottles of Beer Part I

Don't worry, this is a PG-rated post.

We need a new couch. Unfortunately, since I have yet to figure out how to turn being a stay-at-home mom into a lucrative career, a new couch isn't in the budget right now. I've read blogs about moms who buy everything  using money they make through SwagBucks, taking surveys, etc. I've tried them, too. At the rate I'm going, a new couch is only 362 years away.

Our couch has two problems: 1. The frame broke 2 1/2 years ago and has been held up with a stack of books since then. My husband, who is about as handy as I am crafty (i.e. not very), had said he was going to fix it, you know 2 1/2 years ago. 2. It is just getting gross. My daughter was an epic spitter-upper when she was a baby. Also, she wanders into our living room with food and occasionally her sippy cup. She drinks Pediasure with chocolate Carnation Breakfast Essentials, and that shit stains. So yeah, we need a new couch. 

Slipcovers are expensive. We have a chaise with our couch, and apparently they don't make a lot of slipcovers for couches with a chaise. So after some extensive research--really, I research everything to death--I came across some YouTube videos on how to cover a couch with a sheet or two. Bingo! I started to get that DIY high I get when reading about projects. So easy! No sewing! Looks...like you covered your couch with a sheet. Which was fine with me because anything would be an improvement really, and it would cover the books.

I'd buy cheap sheets on clearance; how much could it cost? Apparently no one wants 200 thread count sheets anymore, and my first three stops were a disappointing bust. That left one more place to try. I'm pretty sure I could actually feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it. I had to go to WalMart. Ugh.

To say I am not a fan of WalMart is an understatement. I call it my flea bath, the place I hate more than a cat hates a flea bath. My husband calls IKEA his flea bath. Hmmm, as I'm typing this I realize that in the past I've marveled about the low cost of their sheets. I probably should've gone to IKEA....

Anyhoo, according to my online sheet research, WalMart had cheap sheets. So I went there. I am convinced their parking lot was designed by third graders. Seriously. The entrances all come in at an angle to the parking lot, creating a weird triangular intersection. Two sides have a stop sign and one doesn't, but no one ever seems to be able to figure out who's supposed to stop and who isn't. Gah! I did find sheets, but not at the super low WalMart cost I was expecting. At that point I didn't really care and bought three queen-sized sheets and a Snickers for $38 or so. The Snickers was going to give me the energy to tackle this project. The devil voice in my head told me me buy it. It was also telling me I should have just bought a slip cover.

(Pretend like there's an "n" in "Discout." I'm too lazy to figure out how to fix it.)

To calculate how many sheets I'd need, I measured the couch and used what I learned in high school geometry. Oh wait, no. No I didn't. I didn't even measure the flipping couch. I just figured king-size would be too big and twin would be too small. And that I needed three sheets because two didn't seem like enough, and I didn't want to pay for four. 

I'll continue with my couch covering adventure in the next post, but I'll give you a sneak peek: I told my husband this was the worst idea I've ever had. Oh, and I drink some beer.

Blogging, Yet Another Chance to Fail Miserably

Earlier this year I became a stay-at-home mom rather by accident. I had been working from home for a job that was less than ideal for a number of reasons I won't get into. I was burned out and needed a break. So for now I'm staying at home with E, who is 2 1/2. Eventually I will probably be going back to work, but for now I am an awesome rockstar adequate stay-at-home mom. I'm not the supermom that I see a lot of moms referring to themselves as, but I'm not horrible, either. E probably watches too much TV and listens to too much inappropriate rap in the car (Flo Rida, I'm looking at you), but she is polite to strangers, even the cable guy who rang our doorbell while she was running around completely naked.

I don't want to brag, but I am spectacularly good at not finishing anything I start. So for that reason my husband knows nothing of this blog. Scandalous. If I can keep this going for a year, then maybe I'll tell him.

Some of the recent things I've started, or have planned to start, but haven't finished are:
1. Crocheting. I've been "working" on a blanket for 11 months now. Mostly it just sits wadded up      on the craft table I just had to make out of my old work desk. I think I've finished exactly three projects in two years: A pot holder, dishtowel, and washcloth or something for E's play kitchen.

2. Speaking of play kitchen, I was going to make her a refrigerator for her kitchen. I got a little cabinet at  a garage sale, and it's been hanging out in the garage for a year. I even got stainless steel paint for the refrigerator, which I'm sure by now is a congealed mass.

3. An outdoor awning for E's play area. I got the idea from Pinterest, of course. I got a little lightheaded trying to figure out dimensions and calculate the cost of fabric on sale versus with a coupon, had a beer, and promptly forgot about that project. Oh, and I ran the tarp that I thought we could maybe use with the lawn mower.
   
4. Making fall window clings out of glue and food coloring. I bought a giant bottle of glue for this project. All I needed to do was find some leaf templates and get to work. Thanksgiving's in two days, and the glue bottle hasn't even been opened.

5. Couponing. What the hell was I thinking? I bought a newspaper subscription late one night, in bed (we know how to keep the romance alive), because it was a really good deal. I got myself a binder and special page protectors. I even divided the binder into alphabetical sections. It worked for about a month. Now? My coupons sit, uncut, on our computer desk, in a big pile. The only reason they're all on the computer desk is because we're having a party Friday night, and I was trying to clean out our front room. Somehow I don't think having stacks of uncut coupons, half of them expired, is the type of "system" the professional couponers talk about.

These are just some of my failures. There are many more, but it's after nine and I need to get my pajamas on. I wish I were kidding. Stay tuned for my next blog post (is that even the correct terminology?), recovering our couch with sheets.